Fastlane Interview

by Emma

Fastlane Interview – Leeds Cockpit – 25 October 2005

Now I knew from previous experience that the Fastlane boys would be up for a laugh – I wasn’t wrong – so I decided to make this interview a little more fun! Instead of asking the questions in the usual fashion I had each question on a slip of paper and let the boys take turns at a lucky dip! I snatched away Matty O’Grady and Ian Maynard after their performance and we retired to the dressing room for a chat…

Q. Tell us your best joke!
Matty. Ok the joke is ‘what sort of a bee produces milk?’…and the answer is ‘a boobee’
OI. Maynard, what’s yours?
Maynard. That is my favorite bloody joke, oh Christ! Well I don’t want to offend any minority or females or anything like that! Oh here’s one – ‘why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?’…’because they said he was outstanding in his field’!
Matty. That’s very good.
Q. If you could collaborate with any artist who would you choose and why?
Maynard. Probably Van Gogh, because he’s not a musician and I don’t know but what a crappy question, who asked me this?! Who would I choose…
Matty. Beach Boys
Maynard. Beach boys would be nice
Matty. They could sing and we could do the instruments.
Maynard. That’s a shit answer
Matty. It’s a shit answer, but to a bad question!
Q. You have now been confirmed as support band for the Zebrahead November tour. Are you focusing on touring at the moment… your work ethic seems very harsh.
Matty. We don’t decide anything, we get told what to do is the answer to that.
Maynard. The thing is we were gonna do a headline slot with Avril Lavigne supporting us but she won’t even come out for a drink with us!
Q. What is the best gig you have ever attended?
Matty. Brian Wilson, Portsmouth Hall – fucking amazing. It’s the best thing I have ever seen in my life.
Maynard. Greenday back in 199…
Matty. That was good but the Brian Wilson band piss on anything I’ve ever seen on TV, live or anything ever. 40 people singing a 40-part harmony – it’s just fucking amazing.
Q. When you go to a gig, do you get into the moshpit or do you play it safe?
Matty. No I don’t get in there
Maynard. I used to, and then I found out that the kids were getting smaller and I was getting bigger and its not really fair. Gary and Biffen go in.
Q. How do you get along together when touring – it must get pretty intense.
Matty. The last couple of weeks it’s got very intense but apart from that the last three years have been alright.
Maynard. Yeah generally we’re good together, because everyone’s a bit of a pussy and no one wants to ever say anything, so it all just builds up into this big massive argument and then it gets sorted out.
OI. Is there one person who tends to get to the point and says it all?
Maynard. Biffen’s upfront, Biffen’s a very upfront person.
Spunge guy. Can I do a question?
(At which point Maynard swiftly pockets the packet of cigarettes that he borrowed from me).
OI. Can we have our cigs back please?
Maynard. I’m sorry! And I’m a thief! Professional thief and bassist.
OI. Very smoothly done though!
Q. Beer or spirits?
Maynard. Beer every time! But I do like Jack Daniels, so I’ll go for beer until I’m pissing like a fucking racehorse, and then I’ll hit spirits.
Matty. Beer.
Spunge guy. Does cider come under beer? (Queue various grunts of disgust from everyone else in the room). Starts to sing – ‘I am a cider drinker, except when there’s nothing on the rider’.
Matty. Oooh this is an interesting one.
Q. You are given one night to date any artist slash celebrity, one night only, male or female, who would you choose?
Maynard. Alex Mac!
Matty. (Pointing at Spunge guy) well him for starters, and if he’s not available, busy schedule…
Maynard. It’s gotta be Alex! Fucking love that bird. Along with my girlfriend! Oh! The bird out of Aladdin, or the princess out of …
Matty. They’re cartoons!
Maynard. Yeah…or Jessica Rabbit.
Matty. Oh actually, what’s her fucking name from Girl Next Door, Elisha Cuthbert, fit as fuck. This is gonna get us in trouble…
Q. Five words to describe Fastlane
Matty. I dunno…c*nts would have to be the first one!
Maynard. So c*nts, beer, rock, fun, gimme some of the w*** would be the last one!
Matty. I’m gonna be controversial and take the top one
Q. New Start was recorded in March/April 2004, have you or are you planning to get back into the studio to record a second album? What has the feedback been like for New Start?
Matty. The answer to that would be- for the first part -the label wants us to record another album, second part is we’re not ready to.
Maynard. Well, our labels don’t want us to do it yet, they wanna wait, for hell to freeze over or something.
OI. Have you written new material?
Maynard. Yeah we got new material on the go on my laptop here, it’s under lock and key so no one can ever hear it until its ready. And how is being received…the Japanese love it, the English…well they do like it but it’s just harder in England. Yeah we’re not getting as much coverage as we would want.
Matty. The bottom line is that the English record industry hasn’t got the balls to push any plans.
(Ben walks in)
Maynard. Ben enters, the door slams, the room goes quiet!

Q. If you could recommend one album of all time, what would it be?
Matty. Are You Dead Yet? – Children Of Bodom.
Maynard. I’m gonna probably have to say Kylie’s first album, the one with locomotion and, possibly Jason Donovan was quite hot at that time. He did Sealed With A Kiss…
Matty. I got the impression he just did a couple of comedy records, and then fucked off, and got on the sk**…
Maynard. Oh no, he was good. This was back in the day when he couldn’t get into Harrods because his jeans were ripped and he was a rock motherfucker. It’s True! It was in The Sun…must be true!
Q. What has been the highlight of 2005 for you?
Matty. For me…uh…there are three
OI. You can have have three
Matty. I can have three? Okay, playing with New Found Glory at Southampton, Middlesborough Town Hall, that was good…and Download.
Maynard. Download festival was great and I got to see Slash
Matty. And I didn’t, ‘cos I was in the other area like a prick and saw the singer from HIM.
Maynard. And we managed to steal away with us an entire crate of lager after consuming as much as possible!
Q. How did the band get together and how long have you been playing as a group?
Maynard. Me and Matty – it started off as just us two in the bedroom and he was on drums and I played guitar, when I was about 14 so about 9 years ago. Yeah we were playing together and wanting to start a band
Matty. Not sexually, just musically… until we got bored
Maynard. Yeah, and we were writing atrociously rude songs about big cocks and stuff like that and we thought it was really funny. And we got Ben and Biffen to join, Ben was on guitar and vocals with me, Biffen was on bass and we all fucked off to uni and stuff like that
Matty. Me and Biffen didn’t cos we were losers, and then we all got back together again
Maynard. And I fucked my third year off and started just going out with them all the time touring
Matty. Again not sexually…until we got bored.
Maynard. Oh yeah, and we had a drummer called Mr M Gun, and then he vacated for Gary Tough. And now it’s been about two years.
Q. What’s your best drunken story?
Matty. In other words, what’s your best story!
Maynard. Recently or ever?
OI. Ever
Maynard. Oh I’ve got a great one! I was in the county of Stafford, got obliterated, went into Asda, and thought it would be great to see if I could run round the entire of Asda with no trousers on, so I did that and got carried out by the security guards, and then half an hour later my friends found me hanging over a fence with a string of onions around my neck and a bag of potatoes! And then I woke up, apparently I took it all back to the house, woke up the next morning and went downstairs and started shouting at everyone
‘cos there was fucking potatoes all over the house and I was like ‘someone’s gotta fuckin clear this up’ and then they said it was you last night! So if anyone reads this from Stafford, I’m really sorry.
Matty. One night I got paraletic and decided to go to my mate’s house and got pulled over by the police, and apparently, I went and called shotgun in the police car!
Q. Are there any new bands that have caught your attention recently?
Matty. Children Of Bodom – their new album
Maynard. Oh god, Children Of Bodom are a sick fucking metal band, they’re awesome.
Matty. They are brutal as fuck
Q. What do you hope for the future of Fastlane?
Maynard. I wanna get rich and famous, and be able to afford to spend loads of cash on drugs and alcohol and not have to worry about reality. Just to be able to do the band.
Matty. Even for 50 quid a week I’d still do it
Maynard. Yeah if I could pay myself 50 pound a week I’d shit my pants
OI. Matty what did you do while the others were at uni?
Matty. I worked – I lived in a pub and I was a chef for three years, and drank a lot!

At this point various members of headline band Spunge burst into the room shouting ‘Hands up in here who’s a man’ before producing a can of Old Spice deodorant and attacking all of us with it, spraying it between their arse cracks, and leaving the room stinking!

Q. What one thing could you not live without?
Matty. Oh god well you’d have to say penis wouldn’t you!
Maynard. Food and water?
Matty. Cos that’s just a given really isn’t it?!
Maynard. Well you aren’t gonna last long without food and water, well I’d substitute the water for lager if I had to…a bath in lager…I bet that would be really tickly! And all the bubbles around your bits!
Q. How would you describe your music to someone who’s never heard Fastlane before?
Maynard. If you wanna know, just buy the record!
OI. Just pretend we don’t know about it!
Maynard. It’s quite good. It’s fun fucking heavy poppy shitty rock shit!
Q. Metallica or Maiden?
Matty. Oh fuck. Oh Iron Maiden, I don’t like Metallica, and Iron Maiden have great t-shirts and awesome artwork.
Matty. Next one, okay, this is quite a tricky one, so take your time, okay?
Q. If you had to be a biscuit, what biscuit would you be?
Matty. Okay, well I don’t like biscuits, but if I had to be a sweet…
Maynard. Well that’s just changing the question!
Matty. That’s what I did, yeah!
Maynard. That’s like saying ‘What’s your favourite colour?’ ‘Well instead of my favourite colour, I’ll tell you my favourite horse!’
OI. Well if you had to be a drink…
Matty. Oh I would be lager
Maynard. Because the foam is your hair, all year round tan, amber colour.
Matty. Can I be a sweet though? I eat a lot of sweets!
Maynard. Honestly, no word of a lie, and you can quote me on this. Maynard says Matty, is like a fucking… ok Matty gets up and, everyone else gets up and is like maybe we should have a cheese toastie, maybe we should get a fry up. Matty is just straight in the sweet cabinet and buys maybe a pack of Haribo Sour, and washes it down with some sour liquorice!
Matty. Yeah!
Maynard. Then lunchtime comes, and Matty goes and finds some sour spiders, sour worms…
Matty. They were shit, don’t buy them!
OI. What about chocolate?
Matty. Oh I don’t do chocolate
Maynard. No I don’t do chocolate…but I would say Galaxy over Dairy Milk!
Maynard. Biscuits…McVities Caramels, but…Jammy Dodger! It’s like two biscuits!
Matty. I would say digestives
Maynard. What just plain fucking digestives? That’s like saying ‘What car would you like out of any car?’ ‘A Metro’!
Matty. Well, simple man…you know.
Maynard. Yeah so Jammy Dodgers but I want the sugar on the jam, some of them don’t even bother putting the sugar on it!
Maynard. Just, take your time over a biscuit!

This could have gone on forever…so we all decided to leave it at that and headed down to the bar!